4.27.2015

The One With Me

OK, so it's been a while, I'll give you that. I mean, like, a while. Over a year. I guess I forgot I have a blog, or something. So, this one's about the past year of my life.
Since I last posted, my life's kind of gone on some type of roller coaster ride. Everything seemed a lot simpler last January, but also, it's not like I'd ever go back to who I was then, not like I'd ever go back and leave who I am now.
I've been through some shit. I had a boyfriend briefly, for one month or so. He told me he loved me two weeks in and I said it back despite every claim I've ever had. I vowed to myself that I would not say it unless I meant it, and maybe I thought I meant it then, but I realize now that I didn't. I never loved him. I'm not even sure I honestly thought that I did, but what's done is done, I suppose.
I broke up with him. I wasn't going to do it just yet, instead had texted my best friend about my intentions, about the possibility of the dumping. I thought I could trust her. I couldn't. She texted the boyfriend and told him I was going to break up with him, and just like that, we were over. It didn't happen how I wanted it to. It was a disaster. But, it's over now, I guess.
We got back together briefly in August, but I ended it a second time, however terrible that makes me sound.
The day before my birthday, the aforementioned Cameron came over to my house and we ended up in a situation that involved lips while my sister slept hungover rooms away. We did not date, nor have we dated, because I am unsure of my feelings for him.
The month of January was spent in a relationship with a boy with whom I shared classes with. He had amazing dimples and was very kind to me, online at least. He did not speak to me in person and he did not want to hang out together. He only wanted to text or snapchat, so my sister broke up with him for me. He seemed to take it pretty damn easily.
Sometime early this year, I mustered up the courage to come out of that stuffy closet I've been living in. And maybe you guys should know, too. I'm bisexual. I told my closest friends and they took it well, but my best friend and I have never been the same since, which I pity, because we were such good friends before.
I'm talking to a girl right now, and I'm kind of really happy with my life at the moment, because I know now that I don't have to change for anyone and I don't have to pretend to be happy just because someone else is. I've learned that I am perfectly me and anyone who thinks that that is some sort of fault is wrong and is not worth my time.
I feel great.
I feel light.

1.16.2014

My Everlasting Like

I met this boy this summer. His name is Cameron. And he is extremely cute.

I admit reluctantly that when I first checked him out, I was not all that impressed with his face. He was fifteen years old at the time with a red acne face and braces on his teeth. He was tall and skinny and honestly, not all that attractive. He wasn't ugly, god no. He just wasn't that pretty. That was in May.

It all started with a forty-something man who I'd come to admire through working as a waitress. He was talking to me and my parents while we were at the cafe, taking a seat next to me on the booth so he could speak to us. With a text message, he started by saying, "Hey, he's probably your age."

I had no idea who he meant. With no preamble, he started talking about a boy that worked with him at his ranch--Busted Ass Ranch, if you'd like to know the name. He then pointed him out to me because he was actually in the cafe at the time.

After that night, I tried to decide whether or not I should add this boy on Facebook, after all, I didn't know him at all and he could be crazy or something. But after a couple days of mulling it over, I clicked that little add friend button and suddenly, my life changed.

I'd give it an hour or two after he accepted the request that he messaged me saying "hey". I thought nothing weird of this, after all I didn't know him, why not start talking to him. We spoke for a few hours until I asked for his phone number so we could text more. He complied and after a few more hours of chatting, we bid adieu.

We spoke a few times a week for months, but now, we text at least every day, and I kind of feel almost empty when I don't because I'm so used to it. We either snapchat or text and it just feels like this special kind of connection that we have when we talk. My friends are jealous because we're slowly working up to being best friends, which is rare to have when you start a relationship.

He's been to my house a few times already, too, which we spent just sitting around talking in my house, all alone. I wish I had the balls to just kiss him when we were alone, but I don't. Though, I'm working my way up to asking him to a movie now that he has his license. And when we do go out on that date, I swear that I am going to take the reigns if he isn't and I'm definitely going to kiss him, even if it's just on the cheek. That's a start at least.

It feels really special for me to have found something like this. I just really, really hope that it lasts.

A Night To Scare Your Socks Off

Halloween. A night of candy and masks and horror movies. A night that I both regret and love.

My blonde little head had to make a decision before Halloween this year. I could either hang out with my best friend, Kassidy, and probably end up doing something crazy, or I could hang out with a boy. The one boy that I have been wanting to hang out with for months. I made the idiotic decision to hang out with Kassidy.

While I love the skinny little girl with the cute blonde hair, that night turned out worse than I had wished it would. Like most things the pair of us do, it turned out quite unexpected. We first intended to spend the night at her house, eating all the food under the sun and watching horror movies and pranking our friend, Anna, who was spending the night with us. Clearly the night did not turn out that way.

It all started with a phone call. Our large Mexican friend, Waagen, dialed up Kassidy's number completely unknowing as to how our night would end because of it. While we were taping up a human shaped figure from a trash bag, we were told to come into town and trick or treat with him, Pablo, and Nathan, the Florida boy I've mentioned before.

As naive as we were, we saw nothing wrong with this proposition. We were fourteen/fifteen, after all. We could handle ourselves in the big bad town of Britton. So we accepted and set out quickly to find costumes. Our costume goal for the night was something different, but not out there. We weren't doing masks or makeup, but we weren't just going in jeans. That is how we wound up wearing black leggings, black shirts, leather jackets, combat boots, and black hats. Think of it as post-grunge, bike gang robbers with eyeliner.

Once in town, we drove immediately to our designated parking space in the grocery store parking lot, and walked by Waagen's house, which was right next door. He had yet to emerge with Nathan, so we decided to have a little fun. Our candy bag was a white pillow case, which we balled up and used as a makeshift rag. Our idea was to hide behind the corner of the school which was half a block from Waagen's house. We were supposed to meet up there, so it was the perfect plan. We were going to shove the "rag" in their faces and tell them to give us all their money. This did not work out. Somehow, they scared us instead. I can't really remember how.

With our laughs subsided, we took off to Pablo's house. Now, Pablo is this tiny little Mexican boy who's had a crush on me for at least a year. He's quiet and also very weird. While I love the kid, I would never, ever consider the kid. On the way to his house, we also stopped by this kid named Parker's house. Parker is a young little eighth grader who actually had his girlfriend over currently. When he emerged, it was blatantly obvious he had previously been making out with her--puffy, red lips, girlfriend standing behind him, obvious signs, really.

With the five of us suited up and ready, we set off to obtain some candy. We gained about a half a pillow case of candy without a hitch, if you don't consider being pulled over by the cops a hitch--no worries, Pablo was friends with this man and he just stopped to chuck some dots at us.

After near a half an hour of this walking bullshit, we decided that we needed a little break, and how crazy a coincidence, Nathan's house was empty and we were perfectly free to go there. This being my second going there without any parental permission, I felt slightly like a rebel and slightly thrilled.

Most of the details of the night are a blur to me now, as it's been a few months that I've neglected to write about this night. I apologize if I get any of these details wrong, but if you have a real problem with it, you can contact any of the other people involved.

Whence we arrived at his house, we rooted for food and drinks and sat down to watch a much needed horror movie. Fear Island. When we settled into the couches, it was obvious Nathan was picking up what he previously had with Kassidy and fast, despite his very nice, very pretty girlfriend who knew nothing about the night. While they wrestled on the floor, I took a spot on the love seat, soon to be joined by Waagen, who sat down just a tad too close for comfort.

Pablo stretched on the couch across from us, which was something that I wished I could do so I could escape the body heat from the boy next to me. It wasn't long before we played Truth or Dare, the classic party game for high schoolers.

It turned bad fast. It turned into truth or dare or strip, really. If you refused to do your dare or answer your truth, you had to remove an article of clothing. Kassidy was dared to lick Nathan's bellybutton, and refused, therefore compromising and rolling her shirt up to where her bra ended. Nathan was then dared the same. He accepted and reluctantly licked her stomach. I was dared to kiss Waagen, something I refused so fast I got whiplash, and ended up taking off my outer shirt, leaving me in leggings and a tanktop. I did, however accept my dare to kiss Pablo on the nose, only because I knew this boy would care not a bit. I was tease, I admit, but come on.

When that portion of the night was over, we continued watching the movie, but lo and behold, I was still stuck on the love seat with Waagen. His body was closer to mine than I had ever wished it would be. He actually had the audacity to assume I liked it, too. And because of how clueless and generally rude this boy was, he pulled my legs over his lap and groped my boobs and butt numerous times. He even tried to hold my hand! Do you have any idea how hard I wanted to smack him? I actually tried quite a few times. But here's the kicker, the one part of the night that got my blood boiling so hot. When I tried to get up, to leave the love seat and take a spot on the couch that was far more open than the spot next to him, he would not let me. He. Wouldn't. Let. Me. Can you spell violated?

Now you see why I hate this night with a fiery passion, yet I still liked it because other than that part, it was pretty fun. We played call of duty in Nathan's bedroom when his dad came home, and Kassidy and I spent the time behind them comparing bras and bra sizes. Pablo ended up cutting his finger on the fan. We were yelled at to stop wrestling. And somehow the two Mexicans ended up in a fight.

Because of said fight, we left the house and went to the yard instead to watch them fight it out. This is one example of a detail I completely forgot about the night. If Kassidy hadn't found it taped on her phone months later, I would have completely forgotten that it actually happened.

After that, we left the house and walked around. Kassidy and I got to spend most of the night in town waiting for our friend Anna, who had been at a volleyball game before and was riding back with us from town. I think at some point during our walking Pablo said something offensive. We don't remember what it was, but it was enough to rile Nathan up just a little too much. Now, Nathan has a bit of a track record with anger. He had Pabs on the ground with his hands around his throat in seconds. We had to pull him off of him.

The rest of the night was OK, though. Back at Kassidy's house on the old country side, she, Anna, Lisa--the German exchange student who was staying with Kassidy--, and I watched a horror movie in the basement. So, at least we ended a frightening night in a more frightening way.

That night will forever be etched in my brain because when I see Waagen, I see the look in his eyes when he pulled me back down on the couch to him. I think I understand the fear of rape now. Because if it had just been the two of us,  I fear for what could have happened to me.

8.11.2013

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

This one's about the time--last night, actually--that I blew off what I supposed to do and did something completely impulsive. My home town, or the town I go to school in at least, had a street dance last night as a part of Harvest Days, a big thing we do around here. It was topped off with a concert from Andy Gibson, a very hot and very gay cover singer.

Upon arrival, I found my friend, Kassidy, and we set off on our adventure. We had around two to three hours before the concert started, so we figured we would spend our time walking around the small town and grabbing a bite to eat. On our walk, we saw a few of our friends, one we call Waagen, one named Dylan, and a third boy we did not know yet. He was new here. His name was Nathan.
We then hung out with them.

It so ended that Kassidy, Nathan, and I were all hungry, so we went to the nearest gas station/pizza place. On the way, Nathan gave Kassidy a piggy back ride.

Later, we made our way to the park, where no one hangs out. It was filled with rusty swings and a very, very painful merry-go-round. Dylan left at some point, leaving it as just the four of us, until our other friend Jessica showed her face. And somehow, we ended up on the merry-go-round, with just Waagen spinning us, and by spinning us, I mean killing us. I was holding on by my hands and left leg--I found out later that I pulled a muscle in my thigh because of that. Nathan was upside down. Kassidy fell off. Jessica was totally chill. I ended up punching Waagen in the nuts in order to get him to stop spinning us, as I'm sure I wasn't the only one about to throw up.

Nathan stopped us and we all collapsed onto the grass, too dizzy to stand.

We hung out there for a while before resuming our walking. That was a lot of exercise.

Later, when it was dark, we went to the concert, paying ten dollars only to go in, see a few people we didn't really like, and then leave to walk again. But apparently, one of our "friends" Galle, thought we were giving her dirty looks, which we weren't. She has this jealousy complex, which is really annoying. No one can know people that she doesn't, because of some messed up reason, I don't know.
So, she called Kassidy and bitched her out, saying to come back and pick her up so she could walk with us, no doubt harass to Nathan, who she didn't know.

Nathan did not like the idea of her, and as we were at the park again, decided he'd stay there and swing. I, not really feeling the annoying personality of Galle, decided that I would stay with him while the other two picked her up.

Now, mind you, Nathan was flirting all night long. It was obvious he was flirting with Kassidy more, but there was still something there. I was thinking, hey, this guy's from Florida, maybe he's not afraid of just being out there, right?

All we did was go on the seesaw, which actually did sound like we were having sex, but it wasn't as if we broke down some wall and were prepared to start making out.

Galle had decided to just walk home to her grandmas because she was too mad at us, which I didn't really mind.

Jessica left when she met her friend, Claire, and so it was just a threesome of two girls he had flirted with all night and the new--and attractive--boy.

We swung by his house and realized no one was home. That's  we made the weird decision to just go into his house, a boy we didn't know, and hang out until 1am. He gave us ice cream and I was presented with a lovely glass of vodka lemonade. Don't even question it, it is delicious. We then decided to watch Fear Island because heck, why not watch a horror movie with a boy you don't know. God, I was third wheeling so hard. I was ready to shoot myself in the face. Oh, did I forget to mention the fact that he said Kassidy was hotter than me? But you know the worst thing about the night, he fucking pity flirted with me because he didn't want me to feel left out. Honestly, I should have just booked it and met up with Waagen and a guy named Garret, who coincidentally liked me and was with his cousin who was actually attractive. So, although I had a fantastic time, you know impulsiveness, alcohol, I still felt like a total fucktard by the end of the night.
Fucking Florida boys.

7.10.2013

One-Liners

There's a fine line between love and hate, and that's why I think I try so hard, hoping maybe someday, somehow, you'll trip face first over it and love me back.

5.17.2013

Dem Thoughtz 4#

         I think I know why best friends fall in love. Nothing's hidden. Nothing's masked. With every new, embarrassing thing you discover about them, you love them more and more. And soon enough, you realize it's not just platonic anymore.


I've never understood love or what it feels like. I don't get it and I fear I never will. I think it may be a lot like your best friend. You like almost everything about them. The way they laugh and talk. How they don't care if they insult you because they know you'll insult them right back. It's these things that make you fall for them in a way that you'd never imagine. A special way. And soon enough, you realize that maybe this is love. Maybe love isn't staring deeply into eachother's eyes. Or kissing in the rain. Maybe love is accepting eachother for exactly what they are. Not caring how bad they look in the morning or how incredibly annoying they are. It's wanting to see them ever day just to talk to them, just to see their shining face once more. And if this is love. If this is the incredible, powerful feeling everyone talks about...I'm screwed.

4.22.2013

Dem Thoughtz 3#

I recently read a book about a girl who fell in love with a prince in a book and somehow, he came to life. And can you guess how they ended up? He got out of the book and they lived happily ever after. Obviously.
Isn't that what we all dream for? We want out prince to be thrust upon us, to be presented with the opportunity of true love. But can we be so lucky?
What percentage of real life people are going to meet their prince? Are going to stumble across some perfect being who sweeps them off their feet or saves them from peril? I'm only assuming it's a small one.
I live in the type of place where the closest to a prince you can get is a farmer who is well off and owns a large, John Greene tractor. Your carriage is most likely a Ford truck (Chevy for the losers) and your ball gown is a battered pair of cut-offs. So, for someone like me, to imagine a majestic prince swooping in to love me, would be one of the most absurd ideas.
For others, their prince would be a little easier. People who live right next door to a famous celebrity. People who live in England and are the most gorgeous people ever (in case you couldn't tell, I was referencing a real prince). It could happen for them, and I guess it could happen for me too, but I would really have to try.
But I guess that's the point of what I'm saying here. Most of the princesses you've heard or read about have simply sat around, waiting for their prince to come for them, and by some random stroke of luck, he did. But that doesn't always happen in real life. You have to work hard for something. If you want your prince, you have to go out there and find him. If you think you have found him, you have to try to get  him. Staring from afar will get you no happily ever after. If you have him, you have to keep working to hold on to him.
Don't lose hope in your dreams. You can achieve them, and if it's not exactly as you wished, you will still have some sort of amazing thing in your midst. And if you ever lose motivation, remember that there are people out there who are going to get to date or marry those really hot people.
(J-Hutch, Ian Somerhalder, 1D, etc.)
You could be one of them.
I probably won't, though. 'Cause, I mean, you know.